Hillenburger

(vegan, gluten-free)

I’m a big fan of Spongebob Squarepants, and by extension, I’m a big fan of Stephen Hillenburg o.b.m. Hillenburg not only created the fifth longest running animated series in history, but he was also a marine biologist, philanthropist, and educator. Sadly, Hillenburg died in 2018 at age 57 of Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis.

One of his most enduring creations was the Krabby Patty. In the episode “Just One Bite” (s3 e43a) Squidward Tentacles described the burger as both “a heart attack on a bun” and the most “horrible, putrid disgusting excuse for a sandwich it has ever been my displeasure to have slither down my throat.” Of course, fans of the show know that even the ever-cranky Squidward later referred to it as “So delicious!” right before going on a tear and eventually eating every Krabby Patty in the vault. And then exploding. IYKYK.

Fandom is filled with theories about the ingredients of the mysterious Krabby Patty, but what is known is that the burger is vegan. Spongebob producer Vincent Waller said in an interview, “The one thing I can tell you that Steve Hillenburg has let slip is there is absolutely no meat in the Krabby Patty. There is no animal product in there.”

This recipe is my homage to the great Mr. Hillenburg. I am not attempting to decipher or recreate the Krabby Patty, but rather create my own veggie burger that has the flavor and chew of a hamburger but the nutrition of a homemade veggie burger. I’d like to believe that Steve would have enjoyed the recipe. Even Squidward might want a second bite.

INGREDIENTS

• 1 x 14-ounce block extra firm tofu, drained
• ¾ cup chopped raw carrot
• ¾ cup chopped raw beet
• 2 tablespoons plus 2 teaspoons canola (or other vegetable) oil
• 1 teaspoon kelp flakes
• ½ cup cooked brown rice
• 2 tablespoons soy sauce
• 1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar
• ¼ cup mung bean flour
• 1½ teaspoons methylcellulose
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder
• 1 teaspoon onion powder
• 1 teaspoon smoked paprika
• 1 teaspoon ground mustard seed
• 1 teaspoon vegan Worcestershire sauce
• ½ teaspoon ground black pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Preheat the oven to 400°F.
2. In a food processor, finely chop the carrot and beet. Add the tofu and continue processing until the tofu resembles small crumbs.
3. Mix 2 teaspoons oil into the tofu plus the kelp flakes. Spread tofu out in a thin layer on a parchment lined baking sheet. Bake for 20-25 minutes, stirring the mixture every 5 minutes to break up chunks.
4. Remove tofu from oven and let cool. Stir together tofu mixture, brown rice, soy sauce, balsamic vinegar, mung bean flour, methylcellulose, garlic powder, onion powder, smoked paprika, mustard seed, Worcestershire sauce, and black pepper.
5. Cover mixture with plastic wrap or a kitchen towel, and let sit for 20-30 minutes to fully hydrate.
6. Press mixture into 6 patties. Sauté patties in a little oil over medium heat for 2 minutes per side until browned. Alternatively, cook patties on a grill.